Lock down stage 2…
So like it was August 2020 when I last wrote!
boy a lot has happened
A lot of stuff dear readers that when I came to put thumb to key pad (hahha get it not pen to paper hehhee) that it was so painful and raw I just couldn’t.
You see, when I had our darling daughter, she had been sooo wanted, and after she was born, I was so relieved she was ok, healthy, beautiful, perfect.
I on the other hand slipped massively into post natal depression.
If that was not enough, post traumatic stress disorder came along.
One night, C was downstairs playing on his PS4, J was in bed asleep, and baby C was fast asleep in her little cot.
I woke up shaking, violently.
Now. She was hmmm 2 months old at the time? I honestly thought I had Covid-19.
I was sooo cold, I grabbed the duvet and wrapped myself tightly in it, I was longing for Chris to come up and I couldn’t get the words to shout him.
I kept replaying the QMC “scene” over and over in my head “mrs cooper I’m dr G ” “we are going to get you out this bed you will be alright”
I managed to grab my phone and text C that I had woken up shaking and please come up.
He did. Instantly.
He wrapped me in his dressing gown and guided me downstairs, “this is real this is real” I chanted to myself, he kept reassuring me it was ans got me some water and tea.
My head started to pound as I cried and shook looking at him, our lounge and the t.v screen.
I remember C having time with me a lot during paternity leave and beyond.
My memory was awful, I felt like I was failing as I decided not to breast feed because of the azathioprine, having to express, and home school J.
“I need help” I blubbed to C. “I think I’ve got PND”
1 emotional call later to GP and sertaline was prescribed.
The weeks and months went by, and step by step I began to find myself.
One day, last week-I spoke to my GP and decided to come off sertealine (anti depresent)
The timing…oh god.
So 1 part of my brain was saying “babbeeee don’t worry…we got this!! It’s all gonna be fine….”
The other part was freaking out!! “shittttt he we fucking go again you have a baby you have to home school you are on maternity leave”
I gave it 2 days before I decreased my dose
5 days left now of sertraline…here we go…